She said, “Joe, I mastered the art of not getting what I want in my life.”
She went on to share examples of a failed marriage, an uninspiring career, and an uncertain future. She told me how she was on the verge of giving up hope; that the waves kept knocking her down. She felt she was running out of options and running thin on hope.
I remember the look in her weathered eyes when she asked me, “Is there any hope for me?”

No one ever starts out life and plans to settle. We come to this world full of dreams and ambitions. We are fearless warriors and warrior princesses but somewhere on our journey we come to realize that the rules we have for life are not shared by others. We experience pain, disappointment, hurt and lost. Eventually we find a place that is least painful, perhaps mildly uncomfortable and we begin to call it home. As for our dreams? We create stories of how they are really not that important to us or how an event or individual is the reason we had to settle. Then we officially settle and life as we know it changes forever.

It doesn’t really matter in which area of one’s life it occurs. It could happen in love or a career, or perhaps a hope or a dream that comes crashing down. Plain and simple: we don’t like feeling disappointed, especially when it is something that we truly wanted. We have all heard the phrases that are supposed to make us feel better when we feel our worst. “This too shall pass.” “If it didn’t work out then it was not meant to be.” “If it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger.” And the list goes on… Yet, it doesn’t necessarily make us feel better. I can honestly say that, in the midst of a heartache when someone says, “Let it go, it will work out if it is meant to be,” my brain goes, “B.S.! But I want it to work out!” Even when the truth is staring us in the face. Even when it is telling us that what we desire is not under our control. Sometimes it does not make us feel any better in the moment. We often need something more, something stronger, to get us unstuck!

I remember when one client walked into my office for her complimentary session. She was middle-aged, children gone to college, her marriage felt empty, she was heavier than she wanted to be, and she was wondering why she did not have any passion for life. She first came to me thinking she needed to change her career, but little did she know, what she really needed to change was the way she lived her life.

Perhaps you got here when you lost your job after 10 years, or your partner has left you for someone new, a medical illness, or even when you woke up with a birthday with a zero next to it. How you got here is less important than the fact that you are here. You are in the rut of life. Your desire, passion, and laughter are all gone. “All that is left” is the sinking feeling that tomorrow will be just like today… and that can’t be good.

You have planned for a life. Perhaps it is a life in which you have met the partner of your dreams only to realize one day that they have fallen out of love with you, and now you are alone. Or, perhaps your well thought-out career path suddenly came to a screeching halt when your company announced its downsizing plan. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one, or an unexpected illness has destroyed your plans. In the end it is all the same; where you thought things were going and where they are now headed are nowhere close, and it doesn’t feel good at all.

Congratulations Joe!

Dear Fear,
I think it is time you and I had a chat. I have been avoiding this talk for a long time and to be honest, it has been too long. I have been afraid to look at you, talk to you or even deal with you. I’ve tried my best to avoid you, ignore you, act like you were not there, but the truth is that you have always been there. So now I face you, my Fear.

Pain is temporary… suffering is eternal. I understand both. I understand how crazy you can feel when you know what you should be doing, but emotionally you get pulled back to an undesirable behavior or emotion. I also understand the frustration that comes from being afraid of changing even when you know it will be better than where you are currently. Somewhere along the way we believe insight equals change, so we go into therapy

It doesn’t really matter in which area of one’s life it occurs. It could happen in love or a career, or perhaps a hope or a dream that comes crashing down. Plain and simple: we don’t like feeling disappointed, especially when it is something that we truly wanted. We have all heard the phrases that are supposed to make us feel better when we feel our worst. “This too shall pass.” “If it didn’t work out then it was not meant to be.” “If it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger.” And the list goes on…